Little Moments-Big Dreams

Christmas is just a few days away as I write this. And for the first time in several years, I’m actually looking forward to it. It has been years since I have really truly enjoyed this season. The reasons why are long and sad: Most of my post-marriage Christmas memories are wrapped in sorrow about pregnancy loss, or health issues, or dealing with expectations from either others or myself to be everything for everyone, or just plain lack of Christmas spirit. But as a child, I lived for this time of year. The Christmas programs, the parties, the music, the lights, the gifts! Ah, it was the best time of the year, the time when everyone in our big noisy household had little piles of hidden presents underneath beds and stuffed in closets; when we all tried hard to keep secrets, when we smiled a bit more and twirled in the kitchen to Christmas music while decorating cookies..sweet memories of a simpler time.  We never bought gifts for every member of the family. With so many kids, my...

Most of our friends know that we moved last month. Some of you know the story, but for those who don’t , here it is! For the past several months, both Matt and I were sensing a restlessness: a stirring of sorts in our hearts. Not to sound mystical but I don’t know how else to describe it. One afternoon while sitting on our patio, I found myself watching an interview that a Pastor gave about how God had called him to leave his church in America to go to Africa and train pastors at a Bible college. I felt this excitement in my heart but I had no clue why. Was God calling us to Africa? Or to some sort of related ministry or what? I didn’t know, but both Matt and I began talking and praying about what God might have in the future for us. We had been at our loving, small church in Wilmington Ohio since our marriage and Matt had been there even longer, serving as their pastor. He was also the administrator of a local Christian school. I was involved in children and women’s ministry at our c...

Dear friend who struggles when you see pregnancy posts on social media, I want to say that I am sorry that my pregnancy posts probably make you want to cry or throw something. I remember when I was reeling from the loss of my first, second, and third pregnancies. The last thing I wanted to see was pregnancy related posts on Facebook. I fought against the current of anger and envy that threatened to pull me under. Some days, I didn’t win the fight. As time went on though, I found myself able to feel genuine happiness for a couple’s blessing of a baby. But it was really really really hard. Some days, it is still hard. Here I am, nearing my third trimester of what has been a healthy pregnancy, and sometimes it is still a struggle to rejoice when I read of a younger couple having a baby within their first or second year of marriage, with no complications or prior miscarriages. Yes, I know that every life is a blessing. Yes, I know that as followers of Christ we are to rejoice with those ...

I struggle with my weight and with body image.  Thankfully, I have a loving husband who affirms that I am beautiful to him.Yet, I still wrestle with insecurity.  I say I struggle, yet I know that some people would probably wish to be my size. (I'm a size 16/18). Other people cannot imagine being this big. (I'm talking to you, size zeros to 6!) Some people struggle with being too thin or even anorexic/bulimic. I've never had those issues. So I know weight issues are relative. But often, when I see a picture of myself, or a glimpse in a mirror, I inwardly berate myself. Words like "fat" "ugly" "hopeless" race through my mind. It is exhausting at times. I long to have the graceful leanness of women I see in the grocery store, or in pictures on my Facebook newsfeed. I see the obvious outward beauty of women with glossy long blonde hair and graceful athletic bodies. I measure myself by them and feel that I lack. I have frizzy brown hair with new...

  He makes the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Psalm 113:9 A week ago, this verse would have made me angry. But as I slowly begin to heal after a miscarriage, I am finding comfort in that precious verse. This was my third pregnancy loss. Twice within our first year of marriage, my husband and I experienced this sorrow. It was heartbreaking. But we recovered as best we could. Finally, after almost a year of trying, I conceived again. We were so thrilled. We got in to see the OB doctor very early and I was closely monitored. All seemed fine. We got to see our little bean’s heart beating fast at just 5 and a half weeks on Dec. 22. (That was a joy we had not experienced with our other pregnancies which both ended before a heartbeat was detected.) Though I struggled with nausea and fatigue, I rejoiced at these symptoms of what I hoped was a healthy pregnancy. On January 12, I had another ultrasound. I was about 8 and a half weeks along....

I was raised in the much misunderstood homeschooling world of ATI, IBLP and navy & white. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s ok. If you do know what I’m talking about, that’s ok too.) I grew up wearing ankle length skirts, baking lots of whole wheat bread, watching no TV, doing W isdom searches, and meditation worksheets, and of course traveling to Knoxville each summer. (I spent more time in the Tennessee Vols basketball arena than any other sports venue, and yet I never really followed the sport.) I began conversations with other homeschoolers by asking, “What’s your spiritual gift?”  I avoided boys like the plague, both because I was shy, and also because too much time or eye contact with them could form an emotional bond and damage my courtship spirit. So, in a sense, I understand the long Facebook venting posts, the complete rejection of anything remotely associated with the program, and the need to form new identities. We as "ATI-ers" li...

My love and I got married on January 4 th , 2014 at 2 pm. It was a cold, sunny, white wedding day. Perfect for some fun pictures in the snow! My cousin and aunt drove down from Michigan two days before the wedding and arranged all the flowers. I had ordered white roses, carnations, baby’s breath and greenery from Sam’s club as well as some extra carnations from Kroger. I was nervous about how the flowers would look coming in the mail, but they turned out stunning! My cousin and aunt fashioned the most amazing bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres and flower arrangements I’d ever seen. They took my breath away. My bouquet was a hand tied bouquet of 30 white roses studded with baby’s breath and sparkly silver and pearl jewels. My bridesmaids bouquets were white carnations tied with beautiful navy blue and silver ribbon. I found the bridesmaid dresses on davidsbridal.com for under $50. They were dark blue, sleeveless, knee length a line dresses. The brides...