I struggle with my weight and with body image. Thankfully, I have a loving husband who affirms that I am beautiful to him.Yet, I still wrestle with insecurity.
I say I struggle, yet I know that some people would probably wish to be my size. (I'm a size 16/18). Other people cannot imagine being this big. (I'm talking to you, size zeros to 6!) Some people struggle with being too thin or even anorexic/bulimic. I've never had those issues. So I know weight issues are relative. But often, when I see a picture of myself, or a glimpse in a mirror, I inwardly berate myself. Words like "fat" "ugly" "hopeless" race through my mind. It is exhausting at times.
I long to have the graceful leanness of women I see in the grocery store, or in pictures on my Facebook newsfeed. I see the obvious outward beauty of women with glossy long blonde hair and graceful athletic bodies. I measure myself by them and feel that I lack. I have frizzy brown hair with new grey hairs visible every day. I do not have a lean graceful body. Curvy, yes. Lean and graceful, nope.
I used to be thinner. I see pictures of myself back in college and grad school. I was size 10 or 12. But here is the funny thing. Even back then, I saw myself as fat. I compared myself to the other girls. The prettier girls with smooth hair and perfect bodies. I could not measure up then either. I sigh and shake my head at my younger self. Oh silly 20 year old. Comparing yourself to those size 4 girls. I laugh at myself, but the sad thing is, I haven't changed. The numbers have gone up, and now I compare myself with size 8s and 10s and wish to be one of them. As if a smaller number would make me fit in. Would make me beautiful. Would make me worthy of notice and acceptance.
I'm on a weight loss journey. But I am also on a body image journey. A need for acceptance has fueled me far too long. I need to rest in the approval of Jesus. Yes, my husband accepts and loves me the way I am, but most importantly, Jesus accepts me and loves me the way I am.
I have been following a diet plan called Trim Healthy Mama. (You can google it and find more information). Basically, I've cut out white flours and refined sugar. I'm also learning to eat less and to separate my carbs from fats in a way that promotes weight loss and good health. The numbers on the scale aren't moving much though. I get discouraged. But I know I'm doing something good for my body. I'm determined not to quit. I mess up a lot. I ate two cookies last night. And 3 pieces of chocolate this morning. But overall, the quality of my food has improved. I'm also on medication for thyroid health. Hopefully, as my thyroid heals, my weight loss will be easier. I did lose about 20 pounds last year which was great! But I gained it all back during our last pregnancy and subsequent loss.
I'm also trying to be more active. I've been tracking my steps with a fitness app. Occasionally, I also get up early enough to do a 10 minute circuit style workout on youtube.
Making a menu each week helps a lot. Here is a supper menu plan for this week, THM style. (By the way, their cookbook and plan book are available on amazon.)
Monday:
Grilled pork chop with grilled onion rings and slice of sourdough bread.
Tuesday: London broil slices with low carb macaroni and cheese. (Dreamfield's pasta is a good low carb pasta). Banana pudding for dessert.(Hubby's favorite, and no, it is not on plan! I will probably just eat a small piece, if any.)
Wednesday: Wendy's salad and iced tea
Thursday: Grilled chicken breasts, buttered peas, grilled corn on the cob, trimtastic chocolate cake (from the THM cookbook)
Friday: Cheeseburger pie (THM cookbook), tossed salad, sparkling lemonade
Saturday: Leftovers
Sunday: Eat out: probably eat a salad and soup or similar
Have a blessed week, and may it be a journey to health, better view of self, and a deeper walk with God! :)
I say I struggle, yet I know that some people would probably wish to be my size. (I'm a size 16/18). Other people cannot imagine being this big. (I'm talking to you, size zeros to 6!) Some people struggle with being too thin or even anorexic/bulimic. I've never had those issues. So I know weight issues are relative. But often, when I see a picture of myself, or a glimpse in a mirror, I inwardly berate myself. Words like "fat" "ugly" "hopeless" race through my mind. It is exhausting at times.
I long to have the graceful leanness of women I see in the grocery store, or in pictures on my Facebook newsfeed. I see the obvious outward beauty of women with glossy long blonde hair and graceful athletic bodies. I measure myself by them and feel that I lack. I have frizzy brown hair with new grey hairs visible every day. I do not have a lean graceful body. Curvy, yes. Lean and graceful, nope.
I used to be thinner. I see pictures of myself back in college and grad school. I was size 10 or 12. But here is the funny thing. Even back then, I saw myself as fat. I compared myself to the other girls. The prettier girls with smooth hair and perfect bodies. I could not measure up then either. I sigh and shake my head at my younger self. Oh silly 20 year old. Comparing yourself to those size 4 girls. I laugh at myself, but the sad thing is, I haven't changed. The numbers have gone up, and now I compare myself with size 8s and 10s and wish to be one of them. As if a smaller number would make me fit in. Would make me beautiful. Would make me worthy of notice and acceptance.
I'm on a weight loss journey. But I am also on a body image journey. A need for acceptance has fueled me far too long. I need to rest in the approval of Jesus. Yes, my husband accepts and loves me the way I am, but most importantly, Jesus accepts me and loves me the way I am.
I have been following a diet plan called Trim Healthy Mama. (You can google it and find more information). Basically, I've cut out white flours and refined sugar. I'm also learning to eat less and to separate my carbs from fats in a way that promotes weight loss and good health. The numbers on the scale aren't moving much though. I get discouraged. But I know I'm doing something good for my body. I'm determined not to quit. I mess up a lot. I ate two cookies last night. And 3 pieces of chocolate this morning. But overall, the quality of my food has improved. I'm also on medication for thyroid health. Hopefully, as my thyroid heals, my weight loss will be easier. I did lose about 20 pounds last year which was great! But I gained it all back during our last pregnancy and subsequent loss.
I'm also trying to be more active. I've been tracking my steps with a fitness app. Occasionally, I also get up early enough to do a 10 minute circuit style workout on youtube.
Making a menu each week helps a lot. Here is a supper menu plan for this week, THM style. (By the way, their cookbook and plan book are available on amazon.)
Monday:
Grilled pork chop with grilled onion rings and slice of sourdough bread.
Tuesday: London broil slices with low carb macaroni and cheese. (Dreamfield's pasta is a good low carb pasta). Banana pudding for dessert.(Hubby's favorite, and no, it is not on plan! I will probably just eat a small piece, if any.)
Wednesday: Wendy's salad and iced tea
Thursday: Grilled chicken breasts, buttered peas, grilled corn on the cob, trimtastic chocolate cake (from the THM cookbook)
Friday: Cheeseburger pie (THM cookbook), tossed salad, sparkling lemonade
Saturday: Leftovers
Sunday: Eat out: probably eat a salad and soup or similar
Have a blessed week, and may it be a journey to health, better view of self, and a deeper walk with God! :)
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