Little Moments-Big Dreams

 At the end of December, I started praying a little about fasting in January. When the New Year began, I knew what I needed to give up: sugar. Talk about a tough experience! This sugar addict was humbled at how often I longed for a brownie or some candy.  At the same time, God began dealing with me about another addiction. I started listening to an audiobook about breaking up with your phone ("How to break up with your phone"). Over and over, I felt convicted by this secular book. I wasted hours every week just mindlessly scrolling on Facebook. Honestly, almost every waking hour, I was checking my phone, mainly to see if anyone had liked my latest pictures... I felt silly. But I also felt in bondage. It truly was a spiritual problem and God revealed that to me. As January drew to an end, God made it clear that fasting from sugar was just the beginning. He called me to delete Facebook.  Now, I have to be honest, after my initial shock and anguish about that, my next issue ...

I thought it would be fun to write about a typical day in my life these days, both for others' entertainment (or not), and for future reference when I wonder what life was like for me in this stage of my life. So here goes. A "typical" day varies, but this is just a snapshot.  Yesterday, Thursday, I woke up around 6:15 I think. I made sure James's backpack and lunch were ready, prepared a simple breakfast for him (French toast sticks and a kefir drink that he surprisingly really likes), and woke him up around 7 to eat and get ready for school. Ryan ate breakfast also and then took him to school. They left about 7:30 as usual. I made breakfast for myself and when Elijah woke up, I changed and fed him.      From 8:30-10, I took care of the baby, did dishes and laundry, and eventually, laid Elijah down for a quick nap around 10. Once he was napping, I did my makeup and got ready for chapel. Once I was completely ready and everything was ready for the baby, I woke him up...

 On March 18, 2022, I thought I might never be happy again. I sobbed my goodbyes to the man I loved and who I thought I'd grow old with. He was in many ways my world, along with our then four year old son. My world shattered that day.  But God had other plans. Do I understand why God allowed Matt to go home to Glory at age 38? Do I understand why all of our hopes and plans for the future were swept away on a tide of seemingly unending grief? No. I don't.  But I have seen God take the shards of my broken heart and fit them back together into something created for His honor.  Several months after my husband's untimely death, I struck up a friendship with one of Matt's closest friends, Ryan. We started texting each other about all kinds of random things: funny stories from our day, encouragement from Scripture, favorite memories or movies or events...we never seemed to run out of things to say to each other. I was finding myself very interested. But the timing was not r...

  I’m thinking a lot lately about lives cut short: Children, teenagers, young men,.. You. You were only 38 when your eyes closed in death. Somehow, because so many people live 80 or more years, I expect that everyone I love will live that long. That I will live that long. But life is a vapor. Your Bible app was open to the Epistle of James when I first opened your phone after you were gone. James says that phrase: Life is a vapor. I have so many questions. Did you know you would have a short life? Had a dream prepared you for your early death? Did you truly have a good life? Were you ready? I know you believed in Jesus. You preached and lived the Gospel. In that sense, I know you were ready.   But-when we went to bed that last night, your demeanor was softer, more mellow. You were human and sometimes, although you were a loving and good husband, sometimes, your words were quick or your mannerisms brisk. (And same with me, admittedly). Not that las...

 The internet is filled with these types of articles, but I wanted to add my perspective. Over the last year, many people have shown me and James so much kindness and love. I want to focus on just a few things that have brought us so much comfort from other people this year.  These are all ways that I have personally been comforted by friends/family. If you are wondering what will be a help to someone who has lost a loved one, I believe these are practical tips.  1. Be there for them at the visitation/funeral if possible.  I cannot express what it meant to me to look up and see familiar faces of people from near and very far away, all gathered to offer their sincere care. We had friends who traveled hundreds of miles to be there for me and it meant the world.  I know it is not always possible to attend a funeral! I hold no ill feelings toward anyone who was not there at Matt's service. But I do remember with genuine gratitude the ones who were able and did make ...

  As I type these words, it is March 17th. St Patrick's Day. Tomorrow, March 18th, is a milestone that I have been dreading. One year ago tomorrow, my beloved husband breathed his last here on earth and woke up in Heaven.  I have decided to blog about my journey of grief that began that morning. I pray it is both a step of healing for my own heart and also that it brings glory to my God who has brought me through and continues to walk with me.  When I woke up and discovered Matt still and lifeless beside me, James woke up at almost the same time and I heard him coming to our room. Frantically, I tried to shield him from what was happening, but he did see his Daddy. Words came out of me as I tried to comfort my four-year-old son. I remember telling him, I think Daddy has gone to Heaven. James started crying and I told him, I think God decided it was time for him to come home to Heaven. The words seemed to comfort James in some small way.  One of Matt's friends and cow...