Just a couple weeks ago, I was at work, probably glancing every two minutes at the clock, waiting for 4:30 to show up so I could log off the computer, sling my purse over my shoulder and head for the parking lot.
It was a good job. Not always very exciting, but it paid well and I found it interesting most days, my job as a library assistant at a medical library. I only worked there 3 months. Before that, I worked for a month at Wendy's and before that, I job hunted for almost half a year.
I know what it is to fill out countless job applications.
To be unable to just hop in the car and go to Walmart because there is no money left in my savings or checking account.
To feel like a prisoner to the kindness of my family.
To dislike strongly how listless and lazy I am beginning to feel as the weeks turn to months with no sign of change.
To whisper through tears, "Why God? What are you trying to teach me through this?"
To wait.
I am filling out more applications again. Today, I spent several minutes filling out one for a front desk receptionist at a chiropractor office. The application was on one of those online job search sites. I finished filling it out, hit submit, and nothing happened. So I redid the whole thing, hit submit, and again nothing happened. I can't count the number of times something similar to that has happened to me over the last few months.
Last week, I had an interview scheduled for a position as a Spanish teacher at a large school near Columbus. I was excited that they had even called me about having an interview! I am not fluent in Spanish, but I have some knowledge and a tiny bit of experience tutoring it, so I was hoping...
Then, the night before the interview, I decided to look up the school online and see what it was like. I'm glad I did. After reading some of the strange ideas that the school's founder has, then doing a bit of research on this person and the school, I knew what I was going to do. So, my feelings were mixed the next morning after I hung up the phone after canceling the interview. I was relieved that I had found out before I wasted gas money that this was a bad idea. But I was disappointed to have another door closed.
I say all this not to make anyone feel sorry for me. I have many things to be thankful for.. I say all this only to point something out that should be as plain as the wrinkles on our foreheads: Life is often really hard.
So where do I turn in these times?
I wish I could say I always turn to the source of hope. I don't always. Many times, I turn inward, brooding, fretting, biting my nails, allowing feelings of depression to creep in and tighten around my heart like iron bands. Other times, I turn outward, seeking solace and affirmation in the company of people (or in a bowl of extreme chocolate moose tracks icecream).
But my heart still has an empty place.
Trying to live life pain-free is impossible. Nobody understands that better than Jesus. He spent his life until age 30 working in his earthly father's carpentry shop, then the last 3 years walking the dusty roads of Israel, teaching and healing the sick, feeding and serving hungry, training his disciples, giving himself for the ones he loved. And in the end, he died in misery and pain, jeered and hated by the people he loved. He knew pain and rejection.
I have a high priest who knows and understands all my feelings of frustration and rejection.
He is the one I turn to and find real peace. I love to think about the doctrine of the humanity of Christ. Yes, He is fully God. But yes, He is also fully man. A man who was tempted like we are, yet without sin. A man who cried. A man who suffered unbearable pain. A man who intercedes for me before the Father's throne.
So. I've written all these words. And I'm still jobless. I still don't know what tomorrow will bring. (Does anyone?) And I still will struggle to trust. But I know where my source of peace is.
Jesus. He is Risen and He is my Hope in these days of helplessness.
It was a good job. Not always very exciting, but it paid well and I found it interesting most days, my job as a library assistant at a medical library. I only worked there 3 months. Before that, I worked for a month at Wendy's and before that, I job hunted for almost half a year.
I know what it is to fill out countless job applications.
To be unable to just hop in the car and go to Walmart because there is no money left in my savings or checking account.
To feel like a prisoner to the kindness of my family.
To dislike strongly how listless and lazy I am beginning to feel as the weeks turn to months with no sign of change.
To whisper through tears, "Why God? What are you trying to teach me through this?"
To wait.
I am filling out more applications again. Today, I spent several minutes filling out one for a front desk receptionist at a chiropractor office. The application was on one of those online job search sites. I finished filling it out, hit submit, and nothing happened. So I redid the whole thing, hit submit, and again nothing happened. I can't count the number of times something similar to that has happened to me over the last few months.
Last week, I had an interview scheduled for a position as a Spanish teacher at a large school near Columbus. I was excited that they had even called me about having an interview! I am not fluent in Spanish, but I have some knowledge and a tiny bit of experience tutoring it, so I was hoping...
Then, the night before the interview, I decided to look up the school online and see what it was like. I'm glad I did. After reading some of the strange ideas that the school's founder has, then doing a bit of research on this person and the school, I knew what I was going to do. So, my feelings were mixed the next morning after I hung up the phone after canceling the interview. I was relieved that I had found out before I wasted gas money that this was a bad idea. But I was disappointed to have another door closed.
I say all this not to make anyone feel sorry for me. I have many things to be thankful for.. I say all this only to point something out that should be as plain as the wrinkles on our foreheads: Life is often really hard.
So where do I turn in these times?
I wish I could say I always turn to the source of hope. I don't always. Many times, I turn inward, brooding, fretting, biting my nails, allowing feelings of depression to creep in and tighten around my heart like iron bands. Other times, I turn outward, seeking solace and affirmation in the company of people (or in a bowl of extreme chocolate moose tracks icecream).
But my heart still has an empty place.
Trying to live life pain-free is impossible. Nobody understands that better than Jesus. He spent his life until age 30 working in his earthly father's carpentry shop, then the last 3 years walking the dusty roads of Israel, teaching and healing the sick, feeding and serving hungry, training his disciples, giving himself for the ones he loved. And in the end, he died in misery and pain, jeered and hated by the people he loved. He knew pain and rejection.
I have a high priest who knows and understands all my feelings of frustration and rejection.
He is the one I turn to and find real peace. I love to think about the doctrine of the humanity of Christ. Yes, He is fully God. But yes, He is also fully man. A man who was tempted like we are, yet without sin. A man who cried. A man who suffered unbearable pain. A man who intercedes for me before the Father's throne.
So. I've written all these words. And I'm still jobless. I still don't know what tomorrow will bring. (Does anyone?) And I still will struggle to trust. But I know where my source of peace is.
Jesus. He is Risen and He is my Hope in these days of helplessness.
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