The internet is filled with these types of articles, but I wanted to add my perspective. Over the last year, many people have shown me and James so much kindness and love. I want to focus on just a few things that have brought us so much comfort from other people this year.
These are all ways that I have personally been comforted by friends/family. If you are wondering what will be a help to someone who has lost a loved one, I believe these are practical tips.
1. Be there for them at the visitation/funeral if possible.
I cannot express what it meant to me to look up and see familiar faces of people from near and very far away, all gathered to offer their sincere care. We had friends who traveled hundreds of miles to be there for me and it meant the world.
I know it is not always possible to attend a funeral! I hold no ill feelings toward anyone who was not there at Matt's service. But I do remember with genuine gratitude the ones who were able and did make it.
2. Keep reaching out.
This is even more important to me than the first one. The friends who have stuck with me this year have no idea what their presence has meant to me. Reaching out could be sending cards or small gifts periodically, texting on important milestones such as birthday of the loved one or an anniversary or the date of their death. Reaching out can also be regularly asking things like, "How are you doing with grief today?" "How can I pray for you?" "I'm praying for you today." etc.
Along with that, avoid judging them as they express grief. On one hand it has been such a comfort to me when friends have sent me verses or songs that focused my mind on Truth. But be aware that sometimes if someone is sharing their feelings of sorrow, the best thing to do is just listen and pray with them. The thing is, you may not always respond just right and that's ok. I know that sometimes, grieving people can be hard to love. But please keep reaching out. Ultimately, that is what we remember.
3. Let them talk with you about their loved one.
It means so much to me when someone shares a funny or sweet story about Matt with me or when they listen with interest if I talk about him. Matt is gone from this world, but I never want him to be forgotten. So, it is comforting to have friends who will reminisce with me or James about him. We miss him every day and it is somehow a comfort when others express that they still miss him too.
4. Support them as you are able.
I had a childhood friend reach out shortly after Matt died. She had just lost her Dad and had helped her Mom walk through many decisions. This friend offered to help me think through all of the practical things I needed to do in the weeks after losing Matt: things like contacting Social Security about benefits, checking on life insurance, paying off my vehicle, and more. Another friend also helped me in a similar way by creating a calendar for me that visually helped me see when I should focus on what tasks in those stressful early weeks. One of my sisters organized and updated all of my bill information and helped me set up autopay for several of my bills. Matt had handled most of the bills, so it was a huge help to have someone walk with me through that process. My other sister came down and helped me organize and pack before I moved. I could keep naming many people..
Basically, look for ways that they are struggling with life and see if you can help meet that need. This could be offering to pick up groceries when they are stuck at home with a sick child (this happened just last weekend and I'm so grateful), sharing helpful info or advice with them, providing babysitting or help with housework if they are open to that, providing feedback about decisions, and much more.
I hope these are helpful tips. Grief is such a personal journey for all of us but at the same time, we need each other. Be there for your friends. Even if you don't know what to do or say, just keep showing up. Walking with a grieving friend is difficult but it is such a way to show the love of Jesus. Ultimately, the God of all Comfort can use us to minister to broken hearts and that is a wonderful privilege.
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