A new chapter began in my life on March 18th, 2022.
Thursday, March 17th, 2022, my husband, son and I drove home after a few days away in Pigeon Forge. It was Spring Break at the Bible college and we had enjoyed our getaway which included a day at Dollywood, lots of yummy food and fun activities, and just being together as a little family. We detoured north for one night to visit Matt's parents in Somerset Kentucky as well. It was a good visit and a good little getaway but we were glad to be back home and we discussed tackling a couple home organization projects over the weekend.
That evening, we ordered a pizza and watched a baking show while eating together. Matt also baked a few chocolate chip cookies from some dough we had in the refrigerator. It was a pleasant, laid back family evening. Matt had been very sick most of the previous month and we were so happy to have this time together as a family after that long ordeal which included two hospital stays.
Eventually, it was bedtime for James and we said goodnight to him. After an hour or so, Matt and I headed to bed. We watched an episode of a sitcom then turned off the lights and drifted off to sleep. I remember waking up at one point around 3am to use the bathroom and check on James. Matt woke up too and we talked briefly. He wasn't feeling too good he said but I did not think much about it as he often did not feel good. I rubbed his back for a minute or two and then I went back to sleep.
Sometime a few minutes after 7am, I woke up. I was on my side facing away from my husband and it was oddly quiet. I thought he must have gone in the other room as he sometimes did if he couldn't sleep. I rolled over, and was surprised to see him laying there. In an instant, I knew something was very wrong.
The next several minutes are a blur to me. Turning on the light, yelling his name, sobbing, begging God "No!" calling for help, trying to keep James away as he just woke up..CPR..an ambulance.. a friend coming to watch James and other friends driving me to the hospital..hearing the words, "he did not make it.."
The unthinkable had happened. My husband of eight years, the love of my life and the dearly loved Daddy of my four year old little boy, had died.
It has now been seven weeks and four days since that terrible Friday, the longest weeks of my life. Somehow, I am still here. Surviving. A widow. It is a strange new chapter of my life.
Since that day, we've learned he had an acute myocardial infarction- a heart attack. He also recently battled a scary case of bacterial pneumonia and the report mentioned that as a potential secondary cause. I'm not a medical expert so I will not comment further on any of that.
I have heard that losing a spouse is a bit like losing a limb. You probably will live, but life will never be the same. The amputation has felt deadly many times these past several weeks. My heart and very bones ache with the pain of missing him.
The only strength I find is in the Truth of God's Word. The Gospel gives me Hope that someday, I will see Matt again. Until then, I must go on here.
We were married for just eight years. We used to joke that it seemed longer. Looking back, I am grateful for that fact because it meant our time, while short, was filled with many experiences-both good and bad. We suffered many things together but on the flip side, we enjoyed many things together.
And he loved me so very much. There were so many times when my insecurities would creep in and I'd question how he could love me. But looking back, I realize he truly loved me for me. He was proud of me.
And oh how he loved our son. Not a day goes by that James does not run to me and hug me and say in a sad voice, "I miss Daddy". Matt adored our son. No man could have been more happy to be a Daddy. The gaping hole that is left in James's little life is overwhelming. I can't fill it. All I can do is hug him often, talk to him about his Daddy, and try to always remind him that Jesus loves us all. And that we will always, always love Daddy.
This sorrow would be unbearable without the love of friends and family who have supported, encouraged and loved us, walking with us on this new road. Without these dear ones, I honestly have no idea what we would do. God has been faithful in giving us these precious people in our time of need.
This chapter is not fun. But somehow, in the middle of the relentless sorrow, joy springs up in unexpected places and I find strength to go on, moving forward with the memories of a great love that I will always carry in my heart no matter where life takes me.
I will attempt to blog about this journey in the months to come. While it is not easy to do, it is also therapeutic for me and I hope it is a help to others.
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