What is it like being a Pastor’s Wife?

What is it like being a Pastor’s Wife?

This is not an easy question to answer. There are so many layers to this role. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Other times, it seems like the best, most rewarding job. But I want to peel away all the layers and look at the heart of what it means to be a pastor’s wife.

I’ve only been a wife for a little over a year. And, consequently, because I married a man who is a pastor, I’ve also been a pastor’s wife for a little over a year. In other words, the man I fell in love with was already a pastor. He was not my pastor at the time. In fact, I was a member of a much larger church in another city. The story of how we met and fell in love is sweet and romantic, but for now, I’ll just say I was swept off my feet quickly by this man. I didn’t love him because he was a pastor. I loved him because I looked into his wonderful blue eyes and saw a sweet soul that I could love forever. Our relationship was not based on the fact that he was a pastor.  I agreed to marry him, knowing we would minister together in a church setting. But that was not my main motivation. In fact, there were times during our whirlwind year of romance that I had to remind myself, he is a pastor. I had to remind myself, he has a congregation to care for. It was challenging dating and being engaged to a pastor. But I loved him, he loved me, and we danced toward marriage with joy.

Then, reality hit.

The honeymoon ended, we came home from the sunny Bahamas to frozen Ohio and settled into our roles at the church. Suddenly, I was a pastor’s wife. I was no longer the preacher’s girlfriend or the preacher’s fiancée. I was the pastor’s Wife. Over time, something began to change in my heart. It was subtle and slow. I went from joyfully loving my man who happened to be a pastor, to dreading the expectations I felt within myself and outside myself, because I was a Pastor’s Wife. I still of course adored my husband, but I found myself dreading Sundays and Wednesdays, hating the feeling of inadequacy that filled me each time I walked in the church building. Who was I? I was bewildered more than I cared to admit. Wasn’t I supposed to love serving God? Where was the joy in serving as a Pastor’s Wife? I would sigh with relief after church as we drove home, so glad to have another Sunday over with and yet knowing I was not doing enough, not reaching out enough, not ministering enough. I was not enough.

           Then, just today, a thought struck me as I was musing over these feelings. Of course I feel like I’m not enough. Only God is enough to fill all the hurts in all the people’s hearts, to mend broken relationships in the church, to teach His Word so clearly that people worship Him in awe. I don’t have to be enough for all those things! In fact, I’m not supposed to.

And this thought really was like a breath of fresh air in my trouble soul: I did not sign a contract to become a Pastor’s Wife. I married a man and promised to be his helpmate. That is all.

Do I need to be involved in my church? Of course! I need to do something. But I don’t need to do everything.  I can’t. And I should not beat myself up because I am not the perfect Pastor’s Wife. She doesn’t exist.

But back to my role: What is a Pastor’s Wife supposed to do? She is supposed to love and respect her husband. Period. That is all. No more, no less. What does that look like? Well, it looks a lot like it looks for the wife of an engineer or a plumber or a salesman or a donut deliveryman. Be his number one fan, his best friend, his encourager, his lover, his sounding board. Just like “I love you” will sound different in a dozen different languages, being that helper will look different in a dozen different life settings. As the wife of a pastor, I can tell you it looks an awful lot like listening with open heart and open arms when he just needs someone to let him express his concerns and fears, pray urgently for him as he visits a sick or dying church member, speak respectfully about him to others, give him time and space to prepare sermons or do other church business, work at keeping communication open and honest about everything, and put his needs first above anyone else’s.