In the waiting

I always knew I wanted to get married in my early twenties and have four or five kids.  When I was probably 15 or 16, I dedicated my single years to serve God without distraction until I was 23. I don’t know why I chose 23. I guess it sounded so noble to wait two whole years past 21 to marry prince charming!

The year I turned 23, I was in Bible College. When I turned 24, I had recently graduated and I started to get concerned. There was no man on the horizon and I was back at home with no idea what to do next.

Then I turned 25.  Still no man.

Another year came and went and I was 26. Same story.

Then I turned 27. Same story, more concern.

Another year, another birthday, and I turned 28. Same story and I was beginning to really worry.

In those years of singleness, I had many frustrating thoughts: was it my fault that no one had come along? What was wrong with me? Was I too shy/too bossy? Was I too heavy? Was my personality too bland? I questioned myself, and then I would sink into despair because honestly, I didn’t know where to start, and worse, I didn’t know who to change for. What if I changed who I was and someone preferred the real me? 

Those were hard, painful years.  I discovered things about myself that I didn’t like. Sin issues that bubbled to the surface and had to be dealt with, misconceptions about God, about life that I had to work through. I found out I was a very envious person. Basically, I envied anyone who was in my ideal stage of life of marriage and babies. I also found out I was filled with lust and I struggled with anger and resentment at times toward God: why didn’t He change my desires for marriage, or give me the things I desired?

During those years, I went back to school for my masters. I studied theology, the Bible, and methods of Biblical counseling, and emerged with a degree in counseling. God did shift my focus quite a bit in those 2 years of grad school. I sought and found some help and accountability and grew spiritually.

           However, as I walked across the stage with my new diploma, I had no idea what was next. And I struggled to remain content in the months that followed.

           I was beginning to think that singleness for life might be in the plan for me. And I hated that idea. What’s more, I fell back into old habits and patterns of thinking.

           God finally used a very humbling experience to bring me back to where I needed to be. It was not overnight, but I changed and had freedom from a lot of the struggles I had faced in the areas of envy, resentment and lust.

           Then, at a women’s conference that autumn, I was overwhelmed by one thought: God LOVES me. The most basic teaching of Christianity captivated my heart that weekend and I came home just nestling in the loving arms of my Heavenly Father. My lack of a husband did not say a thing about God’s lack of love for me. My endless struggles with temptations that drove me to my knees time and again did not mean that God had forgotten me. My lonely nights and restless days did not reflect on an unkind God. No- in spite of the trials and through the pain, and in the midst of the longings, God was holding me. He loved me. I’ve never forgotten the experience of being swept away by the magnificent love of Jesus.

           When I met the man I would marry, I was 3 months away from my 29^th birthday. We met in February, were engaged in May, and got married the following January.     

Over the months since our wedding, I have come to thank God for those single years. I do not take my husband for granted. I enjoy marriage, and am daily in awe that I am married! God didn’t have to give me the gift of a sweet, loving, godly man as a husband. He chose to out of his goodness.

On the other hand, and this is the lesson I am learning more and more- He didn’t have to give me the gift of singleness for those years, but he chose to out of His goodness.

My single years gave me empathy for single women. Those same single years made me aware of the temptations that face singles. If I had married straight out of high school or college, I would have had a hard time connecting with unmarried women who just want to know that they are normal and complete- that there is nothing wrong with them. Within those years of singleness, I learned that God is enough. And that makes all the waiting worthwhile- to find that God and His love is all I really truly need.